I was on the mat and about to embark on a new routine that I started this week…but my legs were up in the air and they seemed to want to stay there. The posture was effortless, there was no “try” about it though, once, to hold legs up against gravity would have been more exhausting than I can describe, like holding two trunks of lead-heavy lumber from the bottom and expecting them to stay up in the palms of my hands. Today, they…just…were; as though held up by something external though, of course, I knew that “thing” was me. So then I realised I must have achieved a whole new level of centredness, that the core of me was acting the effortless counterpoise to any challenges or variables of life’s tug and pull. I knew I had found my strength and it was radiating from my root; a place that once seemed to most challenge me by not wanting to be here.
Suddenly the urge to think out the words “you are safe” came over me and so began a mantra. Then I was speaking it out loud, a little hoarse at first but it got stronger and more heartfelt “You are safe…I love you…you are safe…I love you” and I felt it deeply; felt utterly supported at unseen levels like a host of supporters had come gathering around my mat.
Having made a quantum leap of healing this week, I knew this was all part of it. That leap “happened” when I decided something crucial…that I was ready to be healed now without reservations, that this was it, my new chosen timeline. Since that switch, which I wrote about in my last post, nothing has changed and yet everything has. My body has seemingly fought back with some new “symptoms” that might otherwise have alarmed me but I know they are the death-throe spasms of my dwindling fear for there is no fear to be had in this place. Knowing I am utterly safe is key to it; is the non-negotiable of healing that I always missed or effected the flimsy pretence of without knowing what that looked like fully enough before. There was always an “if” or a “but” lurking somewhere, the naysayer that pulled the rug. In this new place, I see how everything we put ourselves through, the chronic this and the hopeless that, are all just versions of this one same thing…a core weak-at-the-knees belief that we are not safe. When we exchange that one core for this other where safety never ever…ever…ever…leaves us, we find strength in our legs and in everything we do.
From this place of safety I’ve observed some remarkable things already, like the flip side of 2D paper-cutout characters that once held me jaw-dropped in terror; like some of those extreme symptoms I get…they’re not something attacking me, they’re clues of my own evolution. They speak of my biology getting on board with physical changes that we haven’t seen before, that are leading edge and – yes – quite new and a little bit way-out but they don’t mean the end of me…not even nearly. They are the upgrade model of a biology that feels more than some other people do (though vast numbers of us are now going through this reboot) and with a degree of subtly and finer detail that can be alarming in contrast to the extreme numbness of where we have been. Those same subtleties and layers of experience feed my greatest passions, my art, my writing so I could never ask that they be switched off without surrendering all that I came here to be so how can they be wrong or working against me? Yes, “new” is so often scary; but not if we welcome in that “new”which, when you know you are safe, you can do without reserve or condition, armed with excitement and eagerness instead of superstition and foreboding. We had better get used to it – vastly new territory is where we are heading in super-fast leaps and bounds that will utterly astound us and it is people like us, who have tasted it already, who will help reassure and guide those who follow next. This is the role we signed up for, after all and it’s my excitement to feel part of it; that’s where my focus now lies.
So I embrace this newness, embrace anything that tries to flare-up in the puppet-show of symptoms like a parent might smile down at a child with night fears while holding my centre of deep knowing. This old show isn’t over but its long past the interval and people are already reaching for their coats. For now, I find I am couching this thing in new terminology to fit the new timeline I am walking; since I find I must still define it for others if not myself. This is not illness but, rather, I am rebuilding my body – better and stronger; upgraded and evolving – after a decade of unsurprising health foibles following a cathartic event, a necessary break-down, that I chose for my own highest evolution. I chose to tear up the trajectory I was on before, to abruptly stop it in its tracks, in order to choose a completely new one, within the framework of the same lifetime as before. That – itself – was a sign of all the vast newness come knocking at the door, a new option on the table; for me and for the many others who are now choosing this route of swopping trajectories without the need to actively leave their human body. To carry this off, we play with the symbols of breakdown and illness…in order to logically explain what is happening to our own minds and the minds of others who share our experiences and yet, once we know this is the “purpose” of breakdown, it is no longer necessary for us to go through this performance a moment longer than it serves us.
Understanding this is big; allows for deepest awe and appreciation of the self that volunteered to make conscious the choice of anchoring a higher version of self in human form than the one we started out with in this particular body. We rewired ourselves “on the job”, a walking surgeon’s table, in order to have the appropriate hardware to receive this new expression of self; and we worked very hard indeed at the illusion of “mini-death” to make this transition feel real to our minds. Bathed in such awe, I find I am now reaping all the gifts of that rebirth – for it is no exaggeration at all to call it such – and am getting ever more swiftly used to all the rewiring of my new biology whilst helping and encouraging others to do likewise; and it’s a blast. Honestly, I realise, I wouldn’t have it any way…that’s why I chose it, why we all did…so let’s get this show on the road.