If there is a theme in common across my last few post it is that I sense a powerful potential (and not necessarily a “positive” one) can be realised when the “yin” and “yang” right and left hemispherical aspects of a circumstance click together – as they are irresistibly prone to do – to form a whole. So, for example, a “negative” (or undesirable) emotion combined with a “negative” turn of events can join forces to form a sort of nugget of negativity that gets stored in the human cellular body, forming an “original” or source distortion that repeats and repeats itself as our most unsolvable health issue. When we hit upon such an issue and nothing we ever try seems to rid us of this thing, locating and recognising this “nugget” can be potent indeed.
In my own case, for instance (once I realised how consistently this thing ran through the “story” of my life) I was able to carry out a quick-fire word association game with myself in the shower this morning – always a potent place to allow left and right hemispheres to work cogently together – and come up with these original associations with some of my current environmental health triggers, going back to earliest childhood:
Petrol fumes – in my pram, crying for attention in my parents dark and petrol fumey garage (see last post) and, later, one of my most traumatic bullying experiences to do with deep humiliation and exposure took place in that same garage
Mercury – trying to endear myself to older sibling, who encouraged me to play with mercury; curiosity turned to panic
Electricity – abandonment and betrayal by older sibling; he would call me over (I would be so grateful for the rare attention) only to “shock’ me with home-made devices
Sugar – comfort eating through countless bouts of misery and loss of self-confidence; a mother-comfort food that symbolised a feeling from lost (‘ideal’) childhood
Cows milk – my go-to comfort food through a lot of “thin” times especially as an adolescent but well into adulthood when I drank huge amounts of it or gorged on cheese
Alcohol – abuse, total vulnerability and loss of personal power
Mobile technology – fragmented, hurtful, confusing, even duplicitous communication at a time of great trauma
Chlorine – my father abandoning me, humiliation and (later) being abused in a pool
Solar flares – (in the previous sun cycle) disintegration and trauma during marriage breakdown
These are just a few personal examples; the process could go on to identify many things that I am aware I have profound yet not necessarily life-affirming resistance towards such as exposing myself to new experiences or meeting new people.
The last three are brand new realisations for me and yet the potent reaction I had to them as they came up told me their truth. When I had my first iPhone type mobile phone, I was in the midst of a very confusing and often profoundly traumatic new relationship at the same time as going through extremely stressful circumstances (facing losing my house etc). I would often fall asleep with that phone by my head on the pillow and wake with a jolt from fragmented sleep to check for replies to fraught communications; spend my days neurotically checking for texts and trying to make myself “heard” via this alien and inadequate way of communicating (how so many people seem to conduct their relationships, these days). So, is it significant that, at the same time as feeling this traumatised and out of my power, my body was being exposed to its first-ever onslaught of the kind of electro-magnetic radiation that is currently the primary environmental toxin “making me” sick? Do our broadly varying responses to modern technology depend upon the kind of experiences we have had using it and is this why some people are being brought to their knees with health issues while others seem immune?
The swimming pool realisation was an interesting one; I have next to no happy memories about those places as I was not a confident swimmer and it was often a source of great humiliation during school swimming lessons. However the big one (I didn’t even remember knowing this until it came up) is that the intense closeness I once had with my father literally came to an end in the environ of a swimming pool. This is because our “special” father-daughter times going to the pool abruply ended as the first signs of puberty started to happen. Abruptly, it was as though he seemed to withdraw his affections, which was like experiencing a death of sorts (one which turned my relationship with him to deep sadness, later to great bitterness). Deep down, it also planted a seed of self-loathing, like his behaviour said I was repugnant. The next time I became a frequent swimmer, a few summers later, an older boy grabbed me and abused me in the water. I see now how these experiences could have become associated with the very strong smell of the chlorine which, for the last five or so years, has been one of the most toxic things I can come into contact with.
Cows milk is an interesting one as it keeps flagging up for me (most recently, in the intolerance testing that I had done) yet a life without milk doesn’t feel like what my body wants or needs. By following this line of thought, what comes up for me is how I turned to milk to fill some sort of “gap” in emotional support whenever it was otherwise lacking; in other words, reaching for a pint of milk or a plate of cheese (even, sometimes, in the middle of the night!) when I was emotional destabilised felt like a version of turning “to mother” in a time of need…well into my thirties. I gave up drinking cows milk a few years ago, due to bloating and inflammation, but continued eating cheese until it flagged up in my test results this year. Without it, I feel somehow imbalanced and have recently turned to sheep’s milk products, which I honestly feel my body accepts in a new and emotionally unconvoluted way (you could say, none of the “emotional baggage”). So what is it about cow’s milk? Well, for starters, I know I was breastfed at first but how long did that continue if I was put into my sister’s bedroom and she was the one getting up to feed me in the night (see my last post); and I know I was generally fed formula milk…concurent, I presume, with those times I speak about, of feeling “emotionally abandoned”, being left to cry it out in a family that had mixed feelings about my arrival. Maybe the switch from breast milk to formula became the last straw for me at some level and, later, a symbol or cue of those feelings.
Do super-potent unions between emotion (yin) and event (yang) really take place and form hard nuggets that serve as unshiftable obstacles at the subplot of human exstence; the stumbling blocks of our highest evolution (at the global level, too)? Do they become solid yet bizarely intangible forms for, though we can sense them there, we struggle to acknowledge them well enough to transmute them, as though we do not have the right kind of vision to see them for what they are (though perhaps we are evolving such visionary skills now)? For, like an invisible elephant taking up space in the room of our best negotiation attempts, they always seem to turn us back towards the same doom-laden outcomes as before; manifesting as our most stubborn health issues, the sticking points in our recovery, the very thing that keeps returning us back to the beginning of a game we can’t seem to thrive in. I can hear those deeply caught up in old perspectives poopoo-ing it even before I type these words but I believe it is more than possible.
As the synesthete that I am, whose experience of the world already leans towards interchangeability of data so that, for instance, I see numbers as colours or emotions as objects (and many other such exhangeable languages of experience) I know that I am entirely capable of making a formidible association of an emotion with a physical circumstance. I do it all the time with music and clothing, places, smells and people – so that a whole box of memory can open up when a chance juxtaposition occurs. So why not with those things that, to my health-challenged body, present as toxic triggers? What if, without the negative emotional associations, these things could be returned back to neutral? What if many more of us are prone to this kind of synesthesia than we realise, which makes it such a key area of study as an approach to healing deep trauma; and has everything to do with finding that formidible meeting point in the human psyche where left and right hemispheres are trying so hard to collaborate and yet sometimes do so in such a way (or at such a lowered frequency) that it does not help us to thrive but has the opposite effect; after all, formidible is formidible…it knows no “right” or “wrong” way to manifest. Once we start to understand how this occurs at the deeply personal level, we can quickly use the same mechanism of irresistable attraction between the two hemispheres to collaborate on far healthier outcomes where positive emotions are encouraged to collaborate with circumstances (yes, even the more challenging ones…) until those, too, start to soften into the neutrality required to allow a quantum healing to take place; for, once neutral, we get to choose what to create next instead of being dicated to by what came before. We focus the laser-light of our highest perspective on the source wound until we can allow it to dissolve into a pool of higher understanding. “Hard” circumstance quickly becomes less rigid or non-negotiable once this happens since the higher-emotional response can overturn what was once thought to be so black and white or “factual” about a hurtful or distorted experience. When we do this using the power of immense positivity in all of our approaches to old wounds, we allow old negative patterns to stop repeating themselves and for completely new outcomes to rise out of the rubble of what once felt so intractable.
I realise that it is not that these deeply problematic issues affecting my quality of life have been growing “worse”, the rift between perspectives growing wider (the same could be observed about world at large…) but that, as I have been healing and clearing myself of other, old emotional, debris that obscured these root causes, they have been coming up for my attention more and more; which was inevitable. By surfacing, they invite me to be honest about my past and to forgive everything that I have ever been through and the same applies to all of us, as a collective. Though they can newly bring up feelings of being the little child, I regard this as a valuable opportunity to remind myself that I am all grown up now and that I get to choose my own reactions. Though avoiding some of my triggers as far as is practical (for now) creates a space that supports healing, I don’t feel this avoidance is the last word on any of the experiences that I wish didn’t trigger me since a life of reaction or avoidance is not what I choose as my most liberated experience, at any level. I hold that I am capable of healing any reactionary behaviour in myself just as soon as I can plunge into its source and recognise what it is all about and how it contributed to my overall experience of life and this gratitude-fuelled approach is key to defusing it. Love and appreciation of all the players in this long-running game is where the true and sustained healing lies.
Though I already understood this at the conceptual level, this is a fresh realisation at such a deep-personal level that holds the combination to my own locked doors and so I know I need to go into it deeper, in my own time, softly but the epiphany of it demanded to be shared while it was still fresh. I sense there is much potential in allowing the original union of, as I say, “yin” and “yang” emotion + event to flip from a negative connotation to something neither negative nor positive but just “there”. By going softly into whatever our personal triggers happen to be, allowing them tell us their own earliest story, perhaps this work of self-healing can be expedited and made so very easy that we are astonished by our own powers to reverse what felt most obstinate or immoveable. Even by newly focusing on the most positive connotations around that “thing” if at all possible (what, in my case, I love about mobile communication or swimming, the good times had in association with particular foods or substances, even the spiritual breakthroughs I’ve had during the recent solar cycle), we can start to tip the scales of association enough for the centre point to be found. Perhaps this is one of countless that ways that we are each working, in our own deeply personal thus incredibly potent, way towards healing trauma and achieving the kind of inner union that starts to spiral out into the world at large.
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