Exploring the challenges of making friendships as a neurodivergent woman, perhaps late-diagnosed, following years of trials and tribulations trying so hard to find meaningful connections before you "realised" and navigating some of the things that patently don't work for our preferences (for instance isn't "group friendship" an oxymoron?), also learning how and when to safely drop all those masks.
Curly tubes, slow motility, mystery pain, treatment outcomes that don't "take" for very long, delayed and paradoxical responses and an ongoing tricky relationship with gravity...exploring some of the quirks of living with a hypermobile body.
Neurotypical expectations tend to come at all of us from every imaginable angle when we are autistic but, when we also internalise them and bounce them back at ourselves from the inside, the effect can be toxic because there is literally no getting away from that ableist voice now; its there night and day. Until I am prepared to notice that the voice saying these things is not mine and stand up to it, and to anyone else having unrealistic expectations of me given my autistic take on certain situations that bother me more than they can imagine, I risk repeatedly throwing myself back into a burnout status because I will never allow myself to fully recover. Every time anything that looks like a “normal” or so called “reasonable” expectation comes my way, I will simply roll over and surrender to whatever is expected of me, abandoning my desperate need to stop doing these things or putting myself in the way of highly stimulating and demanding situations and exposures in the name of trying not to rock the boat or stand out as different.
The constant play-off between the two sides of AuDHD can be such a challenge to live with as well as such a blessing. Having parts that both provoke and complement each other is precarious in the extreme and not for the faint-hearted. It's also far too simplistic to describe ADHD (or autism for that matter) as a superpower, not to mention dismissive of its many hardships but there can be some perks when it comes to recovering from burnout, ideally before it turns into a chronic state. Exploring how ADHD can throw you a lifeline at times of health crash but also the importance of pacing...before you allow yourself to become burned out yet again!
Autistic joy comes in some unusual packages but I think we all get to know what our personal ones are when we pay attention so it's just a case of owning up to them and curating them into our days, even more so when we particularly need them. When we burn out, it becomes even more important that we draw on our arsenal of sensory stims and other tools to help reboot our nervous system, which will take as long as it takes...our bodies won't accept any shortcuts or short rations, perhaps even more so as we get older. Giving permission to ourselves to indulge in these things is where true autistic self-care starts and our best autistic life takes shape, no matter how "old" we are when we first realise this.
If you are extremely prone to taking deep dives, the time comes for asking: What is the true price of doing this in terms of its impact on self-care; is it all worth it? What do I gain from this latest obsession? Is my self-care repeatedly suffering, coming second-best to my latest fixation? Have I succeeded in traumatising myself in the name of a few inches of increased knowledge? What did I lose, in terms of blissful ignorance or humanising innocence, when I opened up that latest can of worms? Should I continue or just drop it now, like a hot potato, to reclaim my peace of mind? Can I break this trend of pushing myself too hard, too relentlessly, without first assessing the value of what I am doing or whether my nervous system would rather be doing something else or even has the reserves to cope? Can I allow that it’s not always a waste of time to be less driven or intense? Can I guide my inbuilt intensity into more benign practices that generate joy and not so much discontent, fear and trauma? Can I actually learn to steer this neurodivergent vehicle of mine instead of running it off the rails?
Over the course of a lifetime, we can become so very weak at this skillset of taking pause, taking a moment, taking the time to enjoy the view from the top of the mountain before “doing” anything else such as pulling the metaphorical camera from the pocket. Just allowing ourselves to be there in the moment of culmination, to breathe it in, take in the 360° view and allow the cells of our body to drink from the water that will remind us later that things don’t always have to be “going wrong” or dying or destructing. We need to amplify such moments in our awareness…not skip over them. They help us to rebalance all the other moments when things feel like they are always shifting and taking us by surprise and they help us to redress all the hypervigilance and anxiety that seems to want to take us over as we age.
Spirituality can be ungrounding to some autistic individuals; a controversial topic that I have intended to write about, from personal experience, for quite some time and which I have seen under discussion in some other quarters lately. Exploring the impact of a hyperfocused approach to spirituality on health, especially when, on top of inbuilt deficits in interoception, this potentially leads a person to become desperately unbalance and ungrounded in their physical body, leading to increased fragility and vulnerability.
A year into a lower oxalate diet, what successes can I report? As it turns out, quite a few when I compare my far-less sensitive life now with the year before I made these changes, not to mention the biggest shift in symptoms and general health stability for years. Read on for a run down of all the improvements that I'm now appreciating in the rear view mirror.
As someone with ADHD I can never completely stop or relax. I end up laughing at myself for my lack of ability to sustain even the most inviting moments of peace and inactivity for very long but I am also mortified. Almost as soon as I have clocked the perfection of such a moment, like taking a minds-eye photograph of it, I am already prepared to dismantle it and move on to the next thing. Its as though I am designed to blow-up such moments of completion, some part of me utterly compelled to drop the pebble in the smooth pond, like I just cant help myself!
Living whole 