autism

Life in the gap: coercing an AuDHD brain to work within the energy parameters of ME/CFS

~ Helen White ~ Leave a comment

Learning how to slow down, how to pace or stop everything including your overactive mind may be the biggest achievement of your life with ME/CFS when you are also AuDHD because it is THE hardest thing for you...yet slow down or stop you must. The point is, those spaces and pauses between exertion and overthinking, that very void you always dreaded, may hold the very healing elixir, the antedote, you've probably chased after all these years but getting into this state is always doubly tough for you and takes such persistence and focus...perhaps more effort than all the things you ever filled-up all your days with before.

Making invisibility more visible as someone with hidden disabilities

~ Helen White ~ Leave a comment

A recent experience I had, as someone living with invisible disabilities, including its positive outcome, just goes to show the importance of speaking up for your needs, of feeding back when things don’t work out and of urging venues and organisers to try harder in the future. Some, if not all, will listen and, in time, things should get better. It will also take a lot more education of the general public for things to really improve, which is something I hope we are all prepared to work towards, as we each do whenever we stand up for our challenges or dare to speak out and educate people regarding what isn’t so immediately obvious about our disability experience, utterly life-encroaching though it may be to us. We have every right to be able to expect to take part in, and enjoy, experiences that able bodied people are able to take for granted and, if it takes a few tweaks and accommodations to make that happen, then we should be pushing for those until we get them. Yes its very hard to do, and we need to pick the right time (for us) to be more vocal as it can take a lot out of us when we are already struggling but we also have to think about contributing, when we can, towards making our invisibility more visible, in all aspects of life until, little by little, people start to see us more clearly.

Just because you could doesn’t mean you should

~ Helen White ~ Leave a comment

It's all too easy to be guilted into overdoing things; to feel judged and criticised and like we are letting other people down...and why do we always push ourselves, why do we feel we always have to be productive or do at least what we are capable of doing right up to the limit of our energy, using up every last iota of ability that we have? What if we have to learn a a whole other way of being in order to get ourselves out of an ME/CFS crash...what if it's about learning its OK, in fact essential, to hold something back in reserve for ourselves, in fact first and foremost?

Pacing 101

~ Helen White ~ Leave a comment

When was the last time I just sat there and did absolutely nothing for long-ish phases of time? When did I, with hands on knees, just sit and watch the birds out of the window and let my mind become blank for more than just five minutes at a time? In fact, when do I ever allow myself to be still, without my mind flooding with a dozen new and ever-more more jet propelled urges to do half a dozen other things the moment I allow myself to get going again…and then, once I get going, becoming so hyperfocused I forget to get back to my pacing? Every time I allow myself a short period of activity, I risk becoming embroiled again. It’s hard…probably one of the hardest things (if not the hardest) I’ve ever attempted but the few times I managed to really master pacing, last week I began to feel noticeable benefits that I find hard to explain in words but I felt them clearly enough. There were distinct shifts in me that I hadn’t experienced for a long time, some of them for years, which manifested slowly and subtly like ghosts of a new experience stood on the periphery, contrasting starkly with all the stuck-feelings of chronicness. The best I can explain is that my nervous system felt less compressed or jangly, my body felt less hypertonic and my endorphins felt increased, in short bursts, that almost felt like excitement or waves of appreciation and something bordering on joyfulness. I can vaguely recall feeling like that much more often, even perhaps frequently, back in the good old days, back before ME/CFS took hold in such a way that it has become a whole other way of life but I think it had been a very long time since I had been there, even for a moment, until I started properly pacing last week and now I hold out for experiencing even more of this. It turns out pacing is not this passive thing, the "absence of activity" that I feared so much but this incredibly proactive thing that lets other good things happen.

(Finally) dedicated to pacing

~ Helen White ~ Leave a comment

I am now forced to humbly admit that most of my prior attempts at pacing, over all the many years of constantly dabbling with it, weren’t really pacing at all because I simply wouldn’t stick at it and would then fall back into old habits as quickly as blink. I always had my excuses at the ready as to why this one thing I “had” to push through was outside the jurisdiction of my need to pace or couldn’t be avoided (a dread of disappointing or letting others down being one of the most consistent excuses) when, really, the whole of life has to become one giant, continuous exercise in pacing to make this whole thing work sufficiently enough to avoid the constant boom-bust cycle of flare-ups and chronic fatigue that potentially get harder to recover from each time.

Being a passenger is not an energy-neutral activity and other hard lessons of pacing

~ Helen White ~ 4 Comments

There are a few activities, and these will vary from person to person, that are not as energy-neutral as they look for someone that is neurodivergent. Coming to realise which activities these are, in your daily life, can be a game-changer when learning how to pace in order to gain a more consistently stable footing in your health.

Stabilising the autonomic nervous system as a first crucial step

~ Helen White ~ Leave a comment

There is no separating the nervous system from the various different aspects of how the body has started to misfire over the years, cumulating in whatever burnout or crash led you to where you now are, however much other provoking factors (such as a virus or accident) might have taken the brunt of the blame because, after all, what makes one person respond to those things differently, more devastating and lastingly, than the next person if its not the nervous system? Post Exertional Malaise is a classic manifestation of this whilst tracking its triggers can teach us such a lot about our personal state of misfiring health.

Ehlers Danlos and reproductive health issues…the unsung song

~ Helen White ~ Leave a comment

The very strong association between EDS or HSD and reproductive health issues is seldom talked about, even more rarely studied. Exploring the territory of how apparently more than half of women with EDS or HSD have vulvodynia, am alarming 77% report dyspareunia, so many have enhanced menopause issues that this is often the first thing that really flags up that they are hypermobile in the first place and that's not even touching on all the other issues they may have put up with along the way, such as dysmenorrhea (particularly painful periods), cysts, pregnancy issues and postpartum injury. Shedding a little bit of light on these topics and exploring anything, at all, that helps.

Considering monotropism

~ Helen White ~ 4 Comments

What is monotropism, can it really explain everything about the autistic experience of life, how does it make life extra hard for those with it (in an allistic world...) yet also, conversely, make taking deep-dives into their interests thrilling, joyful, adventurous and full of flow for those who do this, also what could it look like if they were encouraged to accept and embrace this kind of thinking style, enabling, accommodating, protecting and even appreciating it rather than fighting it or making it wrong?

Why “groups” don’t work for me and other AuDHD friendship foibles

~ Helen White ~ 7 Comments

Exploring the challenges of making friendships as a neurodivergent woman, perhaps late-diagnosed, following years of trials and tribulations trying so hard to find meaningful connections before you "realised" and navigating some of the things that patently don't work for our preferences (for instance isn't "group friendship" an oxymoron?), also learning how and when to safely drop all those masks.