Some of us, perhaps especially women, have orchestrated our lives to be loners (sometimes, even in a crowd); a desire that has perhaps been coloured by our early life experiences of being in a group. For a time, this can feel necessary and healing but we should never take for granted that this is the way it has to be forever. The key is to question, do I actually want to be alone all, or most, of the time or have I settled for this due to it feeling like there is no alternative? Are there parts of myself I’m not exploring because of the fact I avoid being in a group context (because of what happened before…) and am I ready now to push my own boundaries and go there, undeterred by stories of the past?
Abandonment - real or imagined - in childhood, especially very early in life, is considered one of the most serious triggers of deeply ingrained illness and even post traumatic stress, I newly read this morning. How did I not know this, though I have noted many times how my symptoms match those of PTSD. But that’s all about war-zones, being a veteran, seeing many killings, too much destruction and death, isn’t it? Apparently no, not always; and those with it embedded play out some terribly self-destructive themes, many of which are deeply familiar to me. These reactions, the traits, the repeat behaviours…they are like the patchwork of my lifetime's worst experiences and I find the very themes that have triggered the high-adrenalin and sheer nervous exhaustion of my health collapse, over and over again. So, if this is you, have you considered this traumatic root to your unsolved health issues because we are so adept at covering over these earliest traumas, or playing them down as "nothing", that we can forget to give them the attention they crave in order to heal.
A quarter century in the making - my love letter to myself. A moment of profound healing on the summer solstice anniversary of when it all started... Sharing this powerful, deeply personal, excercise in transformational reconciliation with you so that perhaps, just maybe, you might find something in it to assist with achieving your own deepest homecoming.
If you have fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue or any other seemingly unshiftable chronic illness going on then - of every post I've ever written - I would say this is the one to read as it feels like a giant dovetail joint coming together to me. Epstein Barr virus is so much more complex than I ever realised before and the gift of learning all about this is seeing how I could have - at last - a root cause for every single aspect of a lifetime's worth of health challenges; maybe you too. Better still, every chance of a recovery when you know what is being faced here.