Compelled to make a deep study of Fear as I have been, why does Fear itself feel more like a virus contagion than Coronavirus? What can we learn from that?
In our DNA coding, we are all we have ever been and could be, some of it realised, some tucked away, some as yet to be activated, but when things aren’t going so well and we defer to some other version of self that feels historic, there are questions to be asked; what is it that we so-nostalgically crave about that earlier experience, what does it offer that we now believe we lack? Is it the sheer fact of simplicity or is it the absence of predators, of duality or stress? Why do we ever crave winding the clock back; can we glean that same "thinking" going on in our biology? What can this tell us about how to tackle the healing process, to get past those really deep "stuck-points"...and how do we recruit quantum methods to hasten that along?
Abandonment - real or imagined - in childhood, especially very early in life, is considered one of the most serious triggers of deeply ingrained illness and even post traumatic stress, I newly read this morning. How did I not know this, though I have noted many times how my symptoms match those of PTSD. But that’s all about war-zones, being a veteran, seeing many killings, too much destruction and death, isn’t it? Apparently no, not always; and those with it embedded play out some terribly self-destructive themes, many of which are deeply familiar to me. These reactions, the traits, the repeat behaviours…they are like the patchwork of my lifetime's worst experiences and I find the very themes that have triggered the high-adrenalin and sheer nervous exhaustion of my health collapse, over and over again. So, if this is you, have you considered this traumatic root to your unsolved health issues because we are so adept at covering over these earliest traumas, or playing them down as "nothing", that we can forget to give them the attention they crave in order to heal.
Consider this; for whom do you stall your own recovery? Who in your world would not know how to handle a new and vigorous you; what decisions have you made on the back of your illness (perhaps huge ones, like giving up a career, selling your house, raiding your savings) that would now look fraudulent or unnecessary in the light of how you would be if this thing was suddenly gone in a nano second. So who do you think you are paying back, with interest, through your suffering? What hobbies, communities, friendships, routines, lifestyles, identities have you built around being in this club of the chronically unwell? What inner sanctum would you feel you no longer belonged to if you tore up your lifetime, long-service, membership card? Are there family members you long to be close to, perhaps ones that are no longer here, that you would feel less close to (you think) if you did things differently to them? Do you feel like you would be abandoning others to their fate if you got better "without them"? Can you allow that none of this matters…that everything can recalibrate and take on new and wonderful shapes on the back of a recovery that would have everybody clapping and cheering for you, at least at the highest level of their being. Do you fear going back into your old life, a previous career perhaps…rather, can you allow that this thing has changed you so utterly that you don’t have to do that but can actually reinvent from scratch now? That you have earned the right to call your own tune, having been through what you just went through? That the best rope you can throw anyone is to be the example of all they can look forward to themselves, just as soon as they want this enough for themselves to reach out for it? That the future this holds is so unexpected and new that you can’t second guess it and just have to summon the courage to go along for the ride. But, whatever, its got to be better than the predictable plug-hole future of “more” illness, surely....(read more).
I have this theory...about the patterns we formed in the first 3 to 4 years of our life and how they inform the stuck-points of our adult self. For instance, the pattern of seeking solace in a state of "illness" was one I know my body drew on whenever life became too much for me as an adult; I would crave that slide back into the welcome arms of the sick-day sofa like the nurturance of the mother I longed for the attention of (even though that nurtance now came through me). I see now how that pattern fed into chronic illness as surely as did my perception of the "outside world" of other people as some sort of alien landscape to which I would never quite belong and where I was never truly wanted...Recognising those earliest imprints upon myself as a little human taking in my first impressions of what this world was all about, its fear-factors, its safe-havens, helped me to recognise some of the most entrenched patterns of my adult behaviour and my trends towards withdrawal from life, perhaps even going as far as initiating health-issues that meant I could hide away from an all-too scary world when things got too much. Shedding light on these trends can be one of the most enlightening stages of any recovery journey, initiating the very healing we most long for.