Yesterday, I wrote about my current state of autistic burnout (for more on what this is see article) and, whilst I am still in it, I can definitely feel the sea change this morning. It’s always fascinating to behold the stage when I first start to lift back up again, noticing that my mental energy is back on the rise and my sensitivities shrinking back into proportion so that I can start to regain a foothold. For me, it always starts as a metal process, led by feelings of excitement, inspiration, curiosity and so on; very much a case of if I leave my entire system alone and able to rest for long enough, these kinds of “green shoot” will inevitably push to the surface sooner or later, leading the way to recovery. This time around, I want to try and capture it as it happens. It’s been happening like this all my life…a life of two parts, as I am both autistic and ADHD…and now I understand that, it makes fascinating viewing.

When I burn out in sensory or other overwhelm it is very-much my autistic part that is under stress or at the end of its tether. However, one of the big plusses of being both autistic and ADHD is that my ADHD part is usually the one to throw me a lifeline at these times. Its like the excitable child that dives on the bed and starts bouncing up and down when you just want to be asleep under the duvet but it simply won’t have it any more; it has to get going, right now, and won’t take no for an answer! 

So I sometimes wonder whether, without my ADHD being so hungry for novelty and stimulation, would I have languished in my chronic illness status far more than I have, ending up bed-bound with chronic fatigue syndrome all or most of the time, instead of in phases as has actually been the case. Though I’ve certainly got very close to plummeting into long periods of fatigue lasting for more than a few weeks or months at a time over the years, it has never quite taken hold of me because something always turns up to tip the balance in my energy, allowing me to enjoy more stable energy for another few weeks or months and for that renewed “life force”, if you like, to feed back into a more continuous “better phase”, even whilst I am having other symptoms…at least until I experience the next burnout. Getting to the root of why those burnouts tend to happen is one of the most useful tactics to recovery and one of the reasons can be that the very urge for stimulation that got me out of bed in the first place then over-cooks me and sends me right back there!

However, going back to my point, the strong urge to be positively stimulated by some activity that engages me has been a saving grace more times than I can count and is surely down to my ADHD personality. It’s similar to what I talked about in yesterday’s post, being that focussing on your uniquely autistic sources of joy at these times can be a lifeline; adding in the natural excitability and curiosity of ADHD, the sheer hunger for novelty that it can bring to the table, can do likewise. In fact, I can find out the hard way, if I don’t throw my ADHD a small fish of excitement occasionally when I’m burned out (could be something as tiny as ordering something off the internet) I can tumble into an even worse state of burnout than otherwise, losing all purpose and enthusiasm as well as my energy. Allowing my ADHD part to explore some new activity, however small or gentle, can serve as a rescue mission, even when people around me are trying to tell me, in their well-meaning way, that I just have to rest.

This is pretty much what happened when I experienced the original Big Burnout that forced me to stop work all those years ago and, that time, it was painting that got me out of the first long sedentary phase and state of complete sensory overwhelm because something in me became so driven to paint it pretty much forced me off the sofa and into an upright position, day after day, until I became more stable all the time, now fuelled by a passion to try new creative things. Looking back with the benefit of hindsight, that was my ADHD part at work, for sure. Not only did I want to paint as much as I could, to experience the enjoyment and deep calm that came along when I hyperfocused, experimented and pushed myself a little more each day but I felt driven to be the best possible painter that I could be, overcoming any technical obstacles I came against through trial and error, so much so I went from being unable to work or do much at all, my face against the back of the sofa day after day to someone appearing in exhibitions successfully selling artworks within a couple of years. It wasn’t the end of my health issues, by far, but it really helped!

So, three days into complete crash and with orthostatic hypo mode still very much in the building, also my heart rate variability still testing as extremely poor again this morning (which basically means my entire system is burned out and in a lot of physical stress), I could tell that something was on the up. Before I had even had breakfast, I had become distracted on the way to getting dressed by dusting some shelves and wiping down the bathroom and, before I made it my yoga mat for some gentle stretches, I had cleaned the spare ensuite sink and shower and had some thoughts about improving the layout of the room. When I was finally meant to be making breakfast in the kitchen, I got embroiled not only in feeding the birds but taking apart the feeder to clean all the trays. I’m finally sat down writing this, the first thing I’ve really settled down to, after that very late breakfast due to all those tangents I mentioned and a few others I have been on. Going off on tangents all over the place is a very big clue that my ADHD is being activated, in fact when I am in ADHD mode I am literally all over the place at once, doing whatever takes my fancy or randomly occurs to me when my eye happens to land on something, like a butterfly on a windy day. In fact, I’m laughing at just how obvious it is that my ADHD part no longer wants to be sat on a sofa “recovering”. At the same time, I now feel extremely fatigued from my few small efforts at “doing things” earlier and know I have to really watch out for this urge to get going again; if I give into it, it really could set me right back!

The other clue is that my mind is teaming with ideas today…almost too many to keep track of, on a variety of topics but at least I am having them. Yesterday and the day before, my mind was pretty much a complete blank apart from having thoughts about why I had crashed. Today I feel as though I am carrying a plate full of eggs and that if I don’t put them down soon I will lose them; but at least I have some objectives to roll around  in my mind compared to feeling as though I have no other objective except to sleep!

This kind of rescue mission coming from my ADHD component is a godsend at times like this because it refuels me with a will to get going, to be well enough to move around and action all my ideas…you could even say, a will to live. It’s that missing link we all need when we have completely run out of steam, the ‘x’ factor that enables a person to make a miracle recovery from a state of near hopelessness, the sun coming out through the clouds when the sky has been dark  and heavy for a long time. Its been more potent for me to have this part of my personality onboard than any amount of reboot exercise practices or supplements I could take because its an insider job, fuelled by a burning desire to fully alive!

However, its also extremely dangerous territory because my ADHD part doesn’t like the words “no you can’t”, “not now”, “wait”, “maybe later”, “go in cautiously” or “slow down”; it wants it all now and then some. I’ve already had to put the breaks on myself once this morning because I was about to  purchase a basket-full of art materials for a kind of art I have never even tried before (so perhaps the sensible thing would be to go more slowly, try it out just a little bit with a few material samples and see how I like it before I buy-out the entire shop). I can be dangerously impulsive when I have ADHD in the driving seat and especially when it is craving stimulation all the more because I have been in recovery mode, struggling or kept from my chosen activities for quite a while; taking the plunge in proportion to how much of an injection of excitement I am needing to launch myself off the sofa (its also a territory that can lead to very-much buyer’s remorse and a house-full of unfinished projects). Its at times like these that I really have to watch over that impulsive part of me closely and try to make myself sit on an idea for at least a little while before taking action!

Another danger is that all this pressure to get going again might mean that that I dive into something before I am truly over my crash….and I have to keep reminding myself that I crashed for a reason; a big part of me really does need to stop everything for a while. I can’t just steam-roller that (and doing so, repeatedly, can be one of things to keep you locked in constant burnouts, one after another). I really NEED to let myself take time out right now and to stand up for the overstimulated part of myself that put in that request. Autistic burnout can be a pretty serious matter, I’ve even heard someone describe the damage that can be done by each burnout phase (time stamp link to podcast) as being similar to having repeat concussions, leading to an increased risk of loss of function each time. As with concussion, the way you handle the aftermath can likely influence how fully you bounce back with all your faculties in place as they were before it happened; rushing and overdoing things just isn’t a viable or safe option!

So I realise it’s one thing to have some enticing ideas lined up on the horizon to help refuel a quick recovery but quite another to launch myself up from my recovery posture to dash around or spend too much time on my feet, thoroughly overdoing it today; in other words, my brain and body aren’t always on the same page, which is one of my biggest risk factors for repeat crashes. If I can stick to strategising things I would like to do in the future, doing the mental prep or some gentle research and reading for instance, while I am still feeling physically floored, then there’s far less risk I will throw myself straight back into the fatigue only this time potentially deeper and more compromisingly than before because that’s what tends to happen when I push myself too hard when my resource tank is already on empty. Even when the activity is mental, I can still tell I need to go more slowly than I am currently doing (reminding me its time to put this laptop down in the next ten minutes…) as I am struggling to find the right words today as I type this, my eyes are blurry and I am feeling extremely tired from the effort involved in constructing sentences…sure signs I am still far more burned out than I like to think. 

I really need to remember this…my ADHD personality can be obsessive, impulsive, fanatical, frenzied, single-minded, stubborn, dogged and fixated; I would do far better if I could dilute these qualities down to being enthusiastic, excited and passionate with a good sense of proportion and good timing. A passion to do something doesn’t have to dissipate just because I don’t act on it immediately; sometimes, a more poised, paced approach can produce far more satisfying results in the long run….and I will have more energy to give to that if I allow myself to recover!

This constant play-off between the two sides of my neurodivergence can be such a challenge to live with as well as such a blessing. Having parts that both provoke and complement each other is precarious in the extreme and not for the faint-hearted. It’s also far too simplistic to describe ADHD (or autism for that matter) as a superpower, not to mention dismissive of its many hardships but there can be some perks. Whilst I’m not allowed to sink too deeply into the high-sensitivity because the other part of me always wants to get back to all the various kinds of stimulation that it feeds off, I also have to make sure that they both listen to each others needs and that it doesn’t all swing one way. Whilst I don’t consider myself to be a split personality as such, personifying these parts of myself in this way can be helpful because I then get to become a sort of umpire to ensure fair play. Both of them need to be fed some of the things that make their particular kind of life worth living…for my autistic part, that means routine, relative quiet, predictability, calm, safety, autonomy, tidiness, things it can get involved with organising and making more efficient in its own unique way, opportunities to ponder deep questions and make order out of chaos and, for my ADHD part, the opportunity to chase down novelty and excitement, seek challenges and sensory thrills, pursue variety, colour and creative mess, enjoy those moments when you wrestle with something convoluted and tangly and come out of it dipped in the very essence of life because you gave it your everything and created something new. 

The good news is that there are cross-over areas where I can try to invest them both in the same things. If I can slow down the urge to do new things long enough, the part of me that loves to plan and check viability will get to work and make the whole thing come together better, cheaper, more efficiently and without launching not yet another hobby destined to be thrown in a drawer and never looked at again. By taking my crashed-out time to do some gentle self enquiry and research, I can check that my latest urges are what I really want to sink my teeth into once my energy is back on the level. Meanwhile, I now have something to look forward to, which always helps the bounce-back to happen more quickly. Finally, once I have my energy back, my autistic factor can kind-of enjoy clearing up some of the chaos that ensues when my more impulsive side has been at play…just as long as the collateral is minimal and without trigger points that lead to trauma (such as setting things in motion that my autistic personality hates to do such as collaborating or being more social than I want to be). When the “damage” is just a bit of creative mess born out of enthusiasm, my more orderly side doesn’t really mind because, to be honest, they are a working partnership and the two of them put together achieve some of my better outcomes as an artist…and as a person.

Having these two sides to me, I suspect, is why I have had such variable chronic health status rather than a linear progression that might have, otherwise, been more of a downwards tilt. Instead, I experience set backs and flare-ups, for sure, but then I bounce-back and experience remarkable improvements plus a whole lot of other territory in between. It’s keeping that trajectory on the up, rather than sloping down, that takes all the work and, for that, I need to learn how to pace. There’s a lot of talk going around about the need to pace when you have chronic conditions such as ME/CFS or are in recovery from long covid, for instance; well, its even harder to achieve when you have ADHD but if you even vaguely start to get it right, it can really play in your favour by helping you to spark your health back to life on a more frequent basis, this time without the constant risk of overdoing things so much that you set yourself right back again!