Packing up all the accumulated belongings of several decades in my home ready to relocate long distance from where we currently live to not one but at least three different addresses in the next few months while we wait for our final destination to be ready is a gargantuan task. We’ve accumulated a lot of stuff, much of it to do with my art practice, and with some of my belongings coming with me, some into a temporary store and most going into longer term storage, its a complicated task and one that is utterly relentless because no sooner have I competed one load of tasks than a load of others occur to me. They say moving house is one of the most stressful life events, don’t they?

Yet, I have to admit, when I spy on myself from a more objective distance, I can see that I’m also getting a real kick out of it. For one, it is proving wonderfully efficient at shining a torchlight on the inner organisation systems of my mind, externalising my inner processes so that I can far better see them, which is extremely fascinating not to mention useful to me. So far, it’s been a wonderful illustration of several of my neurodiverse approaches to life and, I have to admit, some major part of my “wiring” is clearly in its absolute element taking on this challenge so that I can play with my inner organisational systems in the real world, rather than just in my head, for once. Yet, given most people would freely admit to finding house moving utterly stressful and best avoided, why on earth would this be and how can I be relishing it so? It feels distinctly related to my neurodiversity and here’s a few reasons why.

Well, perhaps above all, it’s enabling me to enact my inner preference for finding patterns and discerning similarities, all the better to see them because I literally get to shape-sort all the trappings of my life to date into “like” groupings, which I find utterly delicious as activities go. I also get to notice how I really like to sort things mainly into similar groups based on usage and/or spatial qualities and then, after that, according to location groupings (based on their future, not present, location in my house since I am already planning some big rearrangements when we move in and I am inherently forwards-thinking in my approach). My game plan is to find everything with ease and for it all to turn up in exactly the right location when the removers offload our stuff and this is my way of, hopefully, ensuring that things happens like clockwork….and I do so like clockwork! So whilst it’s fair to expect that we would all have slightly different preferences when it comes to deciding how to group objects together most efficiently, and the removers themselves expected to simply pack together what was in the same room to start with (urgh!), those preferences are can tell you a lot about a person and this has told me a few things about me.

Its not just been about packing but rehoming and upcycling as I’ve made it a mission to find new homes for as much as possible of what we don’t want to take with us and have gained huge satisfaction coordinating dozens of people coming round to pick things up as well as trips to the local recycling facility, feeling deeply gratified to know that I’ve helped those other people out too. All our consumables are planned out for days in advance so that we can travel with minimal bulk, involving numerous use-it-up meals and creative use of anything that is surplus to requirements. My organiser brain has utterly loved getting stuck into all of this!

Also, I really like the feeling of there always being more to do, a guarantee of plenty to get my teeth into every single day; there’s a decadence to that which my normal life lacks but how many people would describe busyness as “decadent”? I’m noticeably exhilarated by it!

Then there is the fascinating way that I tackle having just so much to sort out; that, again, feels delicious to me. I prefer a wide-sweeping approach whereby I graze through the house and begin on tasks that occur to me as my eye alights on them, which would probably not seem the most logical approach to most people but this “scanning” process feels extremely thorough to me, plus it ensures that I process through my tasks speedily and efficiently because I am kept so thoroughly motivated by the constant variety and spontaneity…I happen to be in a room, so let’s see what can be shape-sorted in here! I know that if I was to simply follow a list of things that “had” to be done, I would lose interest pretty quickly or struggle with feeling tired more often, which shows just how important it is that I get to use my own methods since they result in a very different outcome compared to if I were to follow other people’s!

In fact, self-determination is utterly pivotal to my best productivity. The ability to work independently, according to my own self-generated methods, which I know work with my own inner reward and motivation system, is crucial to the success of the entire operation. Of course, I appreciate that my methods are not the same as most other people’s methods and that, if I had to explain myself to a bystander, they would likely criticise my methods or suggest “more efficient ones”; which is why I’m not asking anyone else to take part…I work to my strengths when I work alone (more on that touchy topic in a minute)!

I do have a written down “skeleton” timetable of priorities so that I don’t go completely off schedule or miss anything important whilst I pursue this fairly abstract approach to packing, but its only there as backup, not as the main agenda, and I check it at most twice a day, at the beginning and the end, adjusting it or adding more bullets as necessary. I guess this back-up is a life-hack I have (perhaps reluctantly at first) taught myself after years of hitting too many pitfalls when I became too abstract and carried away in my own rambling process at times when the stakes were quite high.

And don’t get me wrong, there is a huge amount of method to my madness as demonstrated by the fact my house is quickly re-arranging itself into numerous shape-sorted groups of matching items suitably labeled or arranged in well-packed crates with instructions on them, with all the now empty spaces cleaned and left tidy in their wake. In fact my husband regards me as some sort of packing machine and stands back watching the way I never really cease all day long in utter bemusement. In my head, I feel like I am both the ant and the fascinated spectator watching all the ants as they disperse a pile of leaves and rearrange them according to some highly intricate blueprint that only they can fully understand and yet it possesses a kind of beauty; I’m deeply involved in the process at both the macro and the micro levels and spend my time flitting seamlessly between the two.

Once I am into a room or a task, I then like to hyperfocus on that for a while, to the exclusion of all else. So though I am emphatically a big-picture operator, it’s then that I can become quite detail oriented, which can confuse the watching bystander because my attention to detail is impressive as soon as I hyperfocus, although I frequently miss obvious details the rest of the time. Whilst I am into the details, I love the opportunity to strategise how I can make things easier at destination and innovate new ways of packing things. Though it’s not my strong suit, I even multitask to a degree, as in, if I am taking a few things to another part of the house, I will always take the opportunity to bring others back with me or efficiently drop off things to other piles I happen to be passing along the way. The chance to hold more than one thread of thought at a time and weave them together feels extremely satisfying, but only because it’s part of my grand project and not the kind of multitasking borne out of time pressure or other people making demands of me. Crucially, all of the pressure has to be coming from me and my awareness of my goal, not from some outside source and, in fact, outside pressure from any source can make me stumble or dig my heels in.

Above all, as alluded to above, I work intensively alone and hate to collaborate; it feels like such a waste of crucial time and energy. Occasionally, I delegate tasks but they have to be done my way, to my systems, or I quickly lose patience. I am far happier when I can complete the entire task myself and without having to explain myself to anyone!

As things take shape, I gain great satisfaction from each stage of the packing completed and the act of surveying the progress I have made each day gives me a strong sense of my own capabilities since I know all too well that this was was a daunting project, one which would have overwhelmed many people or led to more chaos in less orderly hands and yet here I am, with all my health foibles, taking it on with aplomb like I always said I would across all the years we talked about moving when my husband would look at me, almost invariably ill on the sofa, and wonder how on earth we could do it. Its not my imagination, my health (though far from perfect) is in quite the state of rebound at present and I know this deliciously challenging project is part of it…making me realise how important it is that I have other delicious projects coming behind it.

The satisfaction of seeing it all come together is intense…oh, the satisfaction! I remember I used to get high on this in my old job as an exhibition project manager. There’s almost a surprise to it coming together so well (perhaps because my brain usually defies such ready organisation) and yet I also know that I always knew that I could do this and my core self-confidence never wavers, even though anyone watching might have doubts in my methods, because my trust in myself exceeds the trust I have in others (back to why I dislike to delegate) and, after all, I have always got myself through life’s challenges. The very fact of my seeming inner chaos and abstraction is exactly why I love to organise…and it’s also why I love to write and do art, which is all about turning the initially messy into something pristine. It’s the very contrast that feeds me and fuels me along!

While I’m doing all this, there is a strong and all pervasive sense of the deadline looming ahead and so my method is to, as it were, work backwards from that feeling of pressure or finiteness to feel into how much “free” time there is left and whether I need to speed up or can pace in a more relaxed way. Whilst my timekeeping can be a little abstract and chaotic most of the time, the feeling of deadline can impart a strong sense of my limitations and is the best way I know to get anything done (so much so that I have spent a lifetime inventing my own imaginary or invoked deadlines and imperatives…) Honestly, I do prefer the feeling of slight pressure nipping at my heels!

I can certainly feel a degree of apprehension building as the deadline grows closer…a feeling of “will it all come together on time, will everything fit?” A BIG part of me (the autistic part) is trying to demand guarantees that it will all work out and that same part of me even wants it all to be over now, to get it all finished and done with, rather than have to wait and see if it will “all be alright”. This part does all the homework and research imaginable. It’s this part of me that tends to gallop through life with blinkers on, forgetting to smell the roses as it is always so concerned to check we are still safe on the other side of some outcome or other. It forces me to wish away my days when I could otherwise be enjoying the opportunity to take things in my stride or really appreciating the experience of a memorable life transition. This part of me wants to get back to the safety and routine above all else

Then in contrast, there is a part of me that wants to feel all the time-pressure come down on me (my ADHD part), so that I can rely on the necessary feeling of adrenalin arising in my system in order to motivate me to the finish line. It knows it is about to get the best thrill of recent times since my life has been so predictable lately. In fact feeds off that panic-feeling since it gives me a thrill and makes me feel more alive, something I’ve been noticing it for years. In fact, I just read about it, described in my own words in a diary that resurfaced from over 30 years ago, written right after the extreme exam pressure of sitting my finals, in which I described feeling nostalgic for the “scary, purposeful, challengingly relentless drive (of exams), where every emotion and physical exertion was targeted to this one end, living totally on my nerves…all that fear combined with unwavering confidence, even when most convinced of imminent failure, paradoxically giving rise to a feeling of exultation like nothing I’ve known since”. In direct opposition to the part of me that loves safety and routine, I’ve spent half my life trying to refind it!

Yes, I’ve always gained a thrill from time pressure, especially when combined with a task that challenges my brain yet it gets into a constant tussle with that other part of me that mostly values safety, predictability, the opportunity to pre-plan everything to the finest detail and a steady plod towards a reliable outcome. The constant push pull of my ADHD thrill seeker with my autistic order-maister tugs and pushes me back and forth until I have to learn how to walk a very thin line where the two qualities meet in some sort of compromise and, I realise now, that’s my happy place. This packing project, because I have it under mostly control, yet it is still throughly challenging and stimulating to my brain, is a manifestation of that happy place and is allowing me to dwell there for at least a while!

Looking back, I’m able to acknowledge now that I have continued to seek that rarified feeling described all those years ago…neither too chaotic nor too dull…all my life and, at times when I’ve fallen either side of the line, I’ve either burned out or disintegrated into lethargy through lack of stimulation (both of those manifest as illness). These days, I try to ride that line squarely in the middle for far longer, which takes some inner negotiation and a lot of self-awareness. I know that if I don’t have something waiting to engage me the other side of this move I could fall over the line and back into lethargy and I only hope all the interests a new place affords will provide all the stimulation I’m looking for!

But then, here’s the thing, all of the above packing and shape-sorting was going swimmingly as described but, if I’m honest, I have also been pushing myself a bit too hard and not applying the brakes (“what brakes??” I should really say, since my ADHD brain doesn’t have any). When my brain starts running this fast and I keep rewarding myself with more and more of what I’m enjoying, it only ever continues to run faster and faster, like a bicycle headed downhill without those brakes…I simply don’t know how or when to stop (this is my age-old pattern) until my body intervenes.

Also, the more I get into this fast groove, the more I find I need stimulation day and night to maintain me at this level of processing, especially as transitions back and forth don’t come easily to me so its easier to stay there than alternate. I also can’t do this part of my post justice without mentioning the word “intensity” since this is a huge part of my personality profile and it was only once I began to explore resources to do with the link between intensity traits and neurodiversity including AuDHD that I really began to get somewhere with understanding myself as sometimes I just can’t seem to help myself; I get really really intense about what I’m fixated on doing and it takes me over!

When I get like this, some part of me seems quite determined that I won’t switch off again until the task is done so the “need” to self-stimulate increases. Suddenly, I start to crave caffeine or feel like I need a drink every evening, to listen to highly stimulating music or binge watch TV. I find I even need overstimulation to distract and relax in the night; spending the hours from just before dawn in an exhausted half-slumber with audio narrative (to which I’m not really listening…its just there to keep my brain at the point of exhaustion) playing in my ears or white noise from a fan so I can eventually tumble back into an exhausted nap before getting up. Inevitably, I still wake far too early with my brain already back in shape-sorting mode and raring to go…

In my case, burnout doesn’t express itself using the most obvious things first (such as tiredness or even a straightforward thought such as “I need to take a rest, I should have a day off”) but in ever increasing episodes of my body becoming “glitchy” in lots of random ways. I find it almost impossible to turn off my head and so, even when I’m supposedly relaxing, my brain is still on the job and the best way for my exhausted and overwhelmed body to object is to pull out some of my plugs.

So here it comes, blurred vision, blood pooling in feet when I stand too long, irritability, sudden low mood, flat voice, stomach issues, intense pain in body tissue and joints, dysautonomic effects such as heart palpitations and numbness, cravings for comfort foods and snacks that replenish energy. My body generally shouts “stop” in a myriad ways which, historically, I’ve tended to ignore, overlook or not read the signs of properly, assuming each symptom to mean something else and really missing the point. Really, it’s all TMS (see other posts on this)…as in, my body shouting my unacknowledged state of burnout using every means at its disposal to try and get me to slow down or take that much-needed break. It shouts at me in symptoms.

This time, thankfully, I heard it somewhat quicker than normal…and realised its now essential that I take some time out or the crash that will inevitably follow will only be bigger and longer lasting. I now know that if I keep ignoring the signs and push through, I won’t be in any fit state to finish this task I’m enjoying so much, nor to cope with the move, which defeats the whole object of all this effort. Pushing on when the warning signs are there won’t assure that I get it done before I crash but that I will crash, whereas if I take those breaks promptly enough, I can probably overt it. Its taken me a lifetime for me to finally learn this!

All of this has reminded me that opportunities for increased self-awareness exist in even the most commonplace experience and perhaps never more so than when performing under pressure. This has been my latest, most thorough and perhaps most neurodivergently aware foray into the realms of self-observation for a little while, since I have been taken away from my usual routine and landed into different territory, and very interesting it has been. Whilst my neurodiverse methods won’t be the same as someone else’s, what I’m really advocating here is the value of making note of the methods you work to, the particular kicks you get out of what you’re doing (even from unexpected quarters) and, if you stand by a particular way of working that is fairly different to everyone else, why is that and what do you particularly get out of it, what does it say about your personal strengths (for instance) as these things can tell you a lot about yourself and really help you to navigate a more self-actualised, productive and happy future with your neurodiversity.