If I’d planned it in advance, this year couldn’t have been much more stimulating, it’s been coming at us as though out of a fire hose. One thing we’ve done, in spade loads, is move about…so much so that I noticed this morning how packing has now become a fine art; we both “get to it” like a military operation, falling into our routines and responsibilities like a well-oiled machine.

Not surprising since we’ve had to do just so many trips away, starting on the 31st December and never really pausing for breath. Between nth number of stay-aways searching for the right house to buy several counties away, plus numerous trips to do with family affairs in a completely other direction, then all the packing, sorting and moving out of our home of over twenty years into temporary accommodation, then more temporary accommodation and still at least one more move ahead, this has been a highly mobile year. Yet, I’m forced to admit, a not small part of me has absolutely loved it. Old labels such as chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia aside, I’ve relished all the stimulation, the constant need to adapt, to be on my toes, to respond using all my faculties, which have become sharper this year by virtue of being needed once again. They feel buffed and useful now and my senses feel very-much alive. I’ve relished the adventure, the constant change of scene, new people and places, constant opportunities to say yes to something new….and realise how much I needed that, with a deep thirst that had been steadily building for years!

I’ve really not done well with the whole chronic illness thing, being “grounded” by circumstance…it allowed some of my better qualities to languish. Some of them began to dial right down as though I didn’t really have them or go into a sort of semi-coma, almost out of necessity, because to possess a sharp mind and yet be provided nothing to get your processing abilities into is a rare kind of torture. When we’re unwell for a long time, people around us may try to protect us from stimulation, even positive excitement, out of the goodness of their hearts, because they see how we struggle with even the basic uses of our energy. We may quickly lose all self-confidence as tasks are swept out of our way, pre-assumed to be too much for us. Then our own minds may hook on the lesser kinds of stimulation such as addictions to technology and TV, unhealthy eating habits that we “look forward to” and so on. Worse, it can even lead into the mind creating its own problems as a substitute form of stimulation, hooking onto things that we would do better to leave alone but our hungry nervous systems make much of anything when starved, even developing over-sensitivities to factors that should really be filtered out of our consciousness but which, once noticed, steadily push us to the brink. The contrast of this year, where I have had precious few resources left to focus on the unnecessary and where I have had no choice but to rise to every challenge myself if I wanted to move, has made me realise how chronic illness feeds back into itself, like a snake eating its own tail!

So of course, I admit that not all stimulation is created equal and there have been some far less desirable ones, this year, too…but when they equal opportunities to explore new things and places, to match your mind to complicated scenarios and come out on top, to gain satisfaction from completion and a job well executed, some of the greatest pleasures come from stimulation, and I speak not just as someone who identifies with having ADHD. I’m pretty sure we all have degrees of this same phenomenon, it is after all what makes us human…we love to solve, innovate, explore and so on and to not have the use of these facilities makes us feel less than we really are, like a shadow of our optimism selves. Leave an animal in an enclosed space and remove all forms of interest and stimulation and it will quickly implode or go mad. I’ve been going quietly mad through having to seek out the gentlest and most repetitive forms of stimulation for myself for so long now I can hardly remember when my (especially winter) seasons didn’t look exactly the same. I had a memorable dream once that I was walking across a dessert in lead boots and, looking back, the years since chronic illness have felt a lot like that. It left me feeling weary beyond belief and I would never have dreamt the solution lay in, not more rest but, more stimulation, as this year has provided!

Because this year, come what may, is different and feels like the best health tonic I could have wished for or have had for a very long time, all those other approaches to recovery cast into shadow. Even as I’m in the thick of it, I notice how tiredness and pain make way for other, better feeling, qualities and that I hardly notice my deficits when I’m able to look forward to new things and challenges on a pretty regular basis. Its made me realise just how important this factor is to a person’s recovery of robustness and purpose…we cant just sit there quietly and hope to get better as though from a deep restful sleep, as the very idea of fatigue and pain seems to call for. Yes, sleep and rest, pacing and so on are important but there are other, almost opposite, factors that need to be incorporated and even brazenly experimented with, no more ifs and buts, when we want to get back our full and vibrant health.